let me down gently.

 

dear love,

i don’t have much left to say tonight.

it’s strange to feel so sad one minute and so numb the next. it’s the revolving door of unwanted feelings. i hate this. i know it’s for the best, but it doesn’t hurt any less.

last night you asked me, “what picture was it? let me see.” you wanted to know which picture it was that did me in; the one that made it impossible to hold the tears in.

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it was this one. i captioned it something about how when you’re around, my fridge is emptier, my laugh is louder and my heart is fuller. it’s not even a good picture. it’s kind of silly, looking at it now… but it means so much to me.

it’s my favorite place to see your shoes, and your socks – next to mine.  it meant that we were in the same place. which is funny now, because i can feel you here now. i can’t close my eyes without seeing your face. i can’t listen to my heartbeat without hearing yours. it’s all on a loop in my brain. i wish it would go away, but dread the day when it fades away.

i am p r a y i n g for your clarity, your well-being, your heart. i am praying that god will lead you back to me, but i’m not naive enough to think that i’m the only option. i’m praying for every part of you.

i am p r a y i n g for my perseverance,  my will-power, my heart.  i am praying that the first two come swiftly, with the morning light; and that my heart will survive this.  i truly hope this is for the best.

i wish you the best and sincerely want to thank you for the love + the memories. my life would be forever changed if i had never met you. i hope our hearts meet again soon.

until then, i will carry your heart with me. i love you, forever.

a♥

 

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(catchme) [ifyoucan]

(i know i don’t have a lot of followers, but i plan to write as if at least one person is actually following along)

it’s been several years since my last post.  i feel like i should update everyone on my current situation before i start diving into some other posts that i’ve got in mind…

it’s been an adventure; still is. there’s no doubt about that.

let me start from the beginning –

  • MAY 2015: i graduated with my master’s degree in mid-may 2013. i had been applying for my dream job for months, all over the US. i hadn’t heard back from anyone, so i panicked and applied for a job, in springfield, that i was way overqualified for.  a week or so before graduation, i was hired and about two weeks after that, i got “THE” call – an offer to do exactly what i wanted to do, only three hours away from everything i’d known for 6 years.
    it didn’t take me long to say yes to that opportunity – i put in my two weeks and started planning for my new life in lawrence, kansas. [rock chalk, jayhawks, right?] they wanted me to start in JUNE. which meant i had less than two weeks to move out, move in, and start a brand new job.
  • JUNE 2015: i had to move out of my apartment in springfield way before my lease was up, and start looking for a new place in a college town… in the middle of JUNE (if you weren’t looking in march, finding a place in the summer can be next to impossible). my mom was calling apartments all over lawrence while i was at work for those last two weeks.
    thank the lord my apartment in springfield was willing to let me out of my lease for free – i sold anything that wasn’t going to fit in the u-haul, packed up everything else in boxes. i was ready to move – we found an apartment in lawrence, but i had to live in a hotel for a week before i could move in. that weekend, i went back to springfield, my parents came up from arkansas to help. we packed everything into the u-haul and headed northwest.
    the time had come. it was happening – my dreams were coming true.

the only part that wasn’t a dream come true?
i was moving away from not just my family and friends, but my boyfriend of about 1.5 years (at the time – it’s closer to four years now). we were about to start what has been one of the most challenging, stressful, rewarding things ever: a long-distance relationship… while he was starting physical therapy school and i was starting the next phase of the adult life. we decided that it was worth it and that we could do it. there was an end in sight (which is a good thing): his PT program is three years long. at the end of it all, that was when the big decisions would need to be made – we considered all of that, and still decided that this is worth it; that we were worth it.

so here i am, two years later, sitting in my apartment, in lawrence… while he is studying in springfield. like i said, a lot of things have changed – my future posts will be much less boring, i hope – but now we’re all on the same page at least.

 

 

what girls want from boyfriends.

i was going to name this post ‘what girls want’ and then i realized that list would be wayyyy too long to even try to make. it would include things like zero calorie anything, everyone to accept leggings as pants, endless supply of wine, and free subscriptions to cosmo. so i renamed it. this is what i want the most from my boyfriend… sometimes he can be kind of clueless…. like tonight. which is why i’m writing this post.

  1. to be listened to.
    seriously. girls want someone that can logically respond to what she’s saying. ‘yeah,’ ‘un-huh,’ ‘okay,’ etc, DON’T count. i want you to ADD to the conversation. and, you know what would just be absolutely crazy…. if you STARTED it! ask me what did today, ask me what i’m doing tomorrow… and do it BEFORE i ask you. it’s not the same if i ask first, then you ask just because then it’s just small talk. which leads me to my next point.
  2. to be cared about.
    and not just SAY you care. SHOW it. in my world, actions ALWAYS speak louder. remember ONE little thing about me…. whether it’s my schedule on monday, the thing i do that means  i’m sad, what i said i had to do tomorrow, the kind wine i like to drink, the look on my face that says i need you to hold me… honestly, just ONE little thing. i don’t need you to remember EVERY little thing about me…. just one. but you should WANT to know more. rub my back when i’ve had a long day. (yeah, you’re not the only one who has those)
  3. someone else to take initiative
    tell me to be ready at 6, you’ll pick me up… you have plans for us, you made reservations. it’s literally the sweetest thing. it doesn’t even have to be an extravagant date… it could be a picnic or a walk in the park. you don’t have to spend money to make me happy. it goes HAND IN HAND with showing you care. show me you want to be with me, let me know you think i deserve to be treated well. (i know that i deserve it, but i also take into consideration that you have a busy schedule… but that’s what weekends are for) you always seem to have time to play video games or drink beer with your friends… but you don’t have time to spend with me? (and NO, me watching you play video games does NOT count as quality time.
  4. touch me.
    (no, i don’t mean my boobs) put your hand on my back. pull me close and kiss my cheek. hold my hand. play with my hair. put both hands on my face and just look at me. put your arm around me. let me walk arm-in-arm with you down the street. just hug me. randomly, not just when we’re saying goodbye, or when we’re watching a movie. do it when i’m not expecting it. do it when i’m being unnaturally quiet, because that’s probably when i need it most.
  5. notice when i’m not myself.
    realize when i just need you to be there. when i need you to tell me it’s going to be okay.
  6. quality time.
    this really goes without explaining. take a few hours to talk to me, find out how my week was. ask me if i’m stressed out, come over to MY place. just be with me. not me and your buddies while you play video games.
  7. realize that i am pretty introverted.
    you are probably an extrovert. you’re the life of the party, i like to watch and observe. that doesn’t mean i don’t like to have a good time… but i unwind differently than you. i like to do nothing with you on the couch with a glass of wine. you like to play loud xbox games and yell at the tv with your friends.
  8. know what it takes to calm me down.
    i worry a lot. i stress myself out. i also hide it pretty well. know that really all i need is a reassuring look and a hug. tell me that it always works out for the best. tell me that i’m smart and i know what i’m doing and i’ll keep it together. reassurance is key.
  9. when i walk away or out the door, it should tug at your heart strings, you should miss me a little bit.
  10. i’m probably missing something.. but this is what i have tonight.

i say all of this, and i know it probably sounds like a lot… but i say that i want these things because i know that i do them for you. i ALWAYS ask how your day is, i WANT to know what you’re doing tomorrow. i know what you like to dip your pizza in, i know what shirt you want to wear when you’re hungover, i could order a subway sandwich for you (without a list). i know what days you work early during the week. i constantly want to be in physical contact with you. i want to hold your hand and put my head on your chest, because i want you to know that i care, that i’m always thinking about you; (but when it isn’t reciprocated… it hurts my feelings) i know that you need to play video games or get drunk to relax/re-energize after a long week and i do my  best to do those things with you. when you leave, i miss you before you walk out the door… and not in the creepy way, but because i love you.

the most meaningful thing a guy can do for a girl, is reciprocate. take note of the things i do for you, and at least make an attempt to do something that makes me feel the way you feel when i bring snacks to the library for you, or when i go out of my way to try and see you during my busiest days, or when i decide to stay over at your place. make me feel like you want me to be the one next to you, that you want me to yourself, that you want to show me off. (there’s three more things that girls want from guys).

and with my third glass of wine, i’m done.

ghosts of relationships past.

it’s funny, old relationships never go away. i think it’s because those experiences with other people, shape who you are. relationships are not only how we learn to deal with someone else, but how to deal with ourselves. i’m not sure if this is true for everyone, but relationships played a BIG part in my life. i went through high school with boyfriends, and continued through college. they’ve all taught me something about myself… and obviously, about what i do and do not want in the person i’ll be spending the rest of my life with. this post is something i’ve always wanted to think through and get on paper… it’s going to be really honest and probably pretty blunt. (cross your fingers none of them cyber stalk me and find this…) in somewhat chronological order.

  1. i semi-dated several people in high school before meeting blake. blake was most definitely the first person i fell in love with. i think we were that for each other. when people ask how long we were together, it always blows my mind that we only dated for >6 months, because it felt like we had been together for 4 years. blake and i went to rival high schools – i’m from a small town, so there were several high schools within a 20 mile radius. i met blake pretty ironically. one of his acquaintances needed a ride to meet me – i was supposed to be going on a date with the friend. so blake, the nice guy that he was, drove his friend out to the bowling alley. his friend goes inside to get me, and we walk back out to blake’s truck. blake said it was when i walked out of the bowling alley doors, he knew he had to get to know me. his friend was pretty shy and didn’t really do a whole lot of talking. so blake did. the rest is pretty much history. we became boyfriend/girlfriend shortly after that. it was a fast love, by that i mean, we didn’t hold anything back. i was so completely myself, as was he. i loved him with everything i was. we could get into the biggest fights about the most inane things… it was never about the fight, but more about how bullheaded both of us could be. i wanted him to let me win, and he wanted to be right. we loved each other so fearlessly, so innocently.i attribute that not only to the effect he had on me, but to the fact that it was my first love… i hadn’t ever experienced what it was like to love someone and i definitely didn’t know what it was to be hurt by someone you love. my family loved him, but not more than i did. he went out at midnight to pick up my favorite band’s new album, then brought it to my window that night. he came to my drama club practices, he rolled quarters to pay for gas money to get to my house, he let me wear his letterman, he took me hunting at 4am in the morning. (he told me that was the prettiest he had ever seen me). i broke up with him twice throughout our relationship, and he always, always found his way back into my heart – mostly because i loved him so much. he came over to my house in tears to talk, if i wasn’t awake, he would write me long notes and leave them in my windowsill. there was so much trust, so much innocence, so much love. it sounds so cheesy, but it’s so true. i thought we were it. then he broke up with me out of no where. i’d never felt more broken than that night. i knew something was off that night. he hadn’t tried to communicate with me that whole night – he was at work, and he ALWAYS texted me when he was at work, he always came over after work… not that night. i don’t think i’ve ever cried so hard in my life. it was that night that i became so guarded, that night made me the person i am today. it took me YEARS to realize that. blake taught me that love is completely real, but very easily tainted. to this day, i find it hard to love like i did with him. giving your heart so fully, without reservation doesn’t end well when it gets ripped right out of your chest with NO warning. my relationship with blake also taught me that it is possible for a person to seemingly love all of you, even if they don’t.
  2. ryan cheated on me. he taught me that all boys, no matter how sweet they seem, still have the potential to be assholes. he also taught me that second chances shouldn’t always be given, no matter how “sorry” they say they are.
  3. i graduated high school with stehvin. we had been best friends throughout middle school. he was the guy i always wanted to date, but never thought i’d get the chance. he dated a girl off and on for 4 years or something. there is a long story behind that as well, but i don’t feel like bringing it up here (that can be a whole other post)…. ANYWAYS, they broke up and he asked me on a date. obviously, i went. we dated up through the spring semester of my freshmen year of college. i broke things off with him, he didn’t take it very well, and honestly, i was a little sad as well. we went through big transitions together. he was my piece of “home” when i left for college. he knew me and i knew him. we had each other even if we didn’t make friends in our classes. (we both made friends and what not – it was the principle, the safety net concept). my relationship with stehvin taught me to never lower my standards because you have feelings for someone. he was there for me, and he loved me… but he also did things that i didn’t agree with on a moral level. i was more like his mom than his girlfriend – i was waking him up for class, reminding him about meetings, etc. and that was not on my list of things to do. because of that relationship, i learned to step out of my comfort zone. we broke up and i had to find a new circle of friends, do new things and start a new semester of classes. my relationship with stehvin also made me realize that blood is so much thicker than water. what your family thinks is important, and sometimes, even if what they’re suggesting isn’t what you want to hear, they’re right. my family’s opinion will always be important to me, but i was definitely in the rebellious stage of my life and did things my way. it didn’t exactly bode well for some of my familial relationships that year, but that phase ended shortly after my relationship with stehvin did.
  4. joe came around at the beginning of my sophomore year of college. joe was the first person, since blake, that i felt completely myself around. he had himself together – he was graduating that spring with a degree in accounting, had a job lined up, paid off his truck, you get the idea. joe had an awesome family, and my family really liked joe. we woke up early and went to the gym together, and we spent the snowpocalypse together. my college NEVER cancels class for snow, and that year, they cancelled for about a week. we had really small, but important things in common – for example, we had similar aspirations in life, we went to church together and we both LOVED Simply Orange Juice. he took me on my first really extravagant date to a really expensive italian restaurant. he was really tall, he took me to art museums. we partied together, and i even got sick all over his favorite shirt, and he wasn’t even mad. he came to football games with me and loved fish tanks. he took me to his tax company’s business dinners. all in all, it was a really good relationship. i found a note i wrote shortly after we started dating earlier this summer and it made me cry. over spring break that year, i scared myself. he was leaving after graduation to a different city and i still had two years left of school (at the least). he loved me, i loved him and i knew he was at that point in his life when he would be looking for THE girl. that scared me so much. i waited for a month or so to see if i could calm myself down… i didn’t. i broke up with him right before finals week. it was sad. he asked if i was sure, i said i was. i told him that it wasn’t fair, because he would go to the ends of the world for me and i wouldn’t do the same for him. i needed to be selfish, i wasn’t old enough to be ready for that kind of commitment. i thought it better to be honest with myself, than to try to make it work and feel trapped later. my relationship with joe taught me that it’s okay to be selfish, as long as your honest about it. i also learned that it’s possible to fall head over heels again. there are guys out there that have it all together and they WILL show you, with their ACTIONS, that they’re willing to be with you.
  5. i met grant in elementary school, when i lived in nebraska. he was the guy, two years older than me, that i had the BIGGEST crush on. his mom and my mom were friends, we went to the same church, he came over and jumped on my trampoline, etc etc. well, we kept in touch after i moved two hours away. he admitted to having a crush on me – i thought he was kidding… he wasn’t. we met halfway over one summer and had the best time. he paid for everything. he got us a hotel room, where he told me he loved me. we went to baseball games, the zoo, got lost in the big city, walked around downtown. i knew it was going to be hard, it was long distance, but we really liked each other. i was living out a fantasy, dating this boy i had a hopeless crush on when i was 8. our families were ecstatic. we took turns driving back and forth to visit in the beginning… then i felt like he stopped trying. i broke up with him, and he ASKED me if he should come down to see me. it was then i knew that i made the right choice. if he was the one, he would have already been in his truck. that may sound selfish, (kind of a recurring theme, i guess) but i want someone who wants me so much that nothing will stand in their way, including distance. grant taught me to stand for what i want, and not let it go. i also learned that dreams do come true, and sometimes, just because it is what you wanted, doesn’t always mean it’s what you need.
  6. then there’s barrett. barrett was not the person i thought he was. when we met, he made it seem like he had it all together, but really his parents had it together, and he reaped the benefits. the longer we dated, the more i realized that, even at 23, he still needed his parent’s money. they paid for his apartment, his car, his nights downtown, his clothes, etc etc. as someone who has pretty much paid for all my expenses since i had a job (at 16), that did not sit well with me. he took me out on dates, sometimes. he bought me flowers… once. he told me i was his everything, but didn’t really show it. actions will always speak louder than words and his didn’t say much. i broke up with him because he didn’t support my long term aspirations. i said i wanted to eventually live in north carolina, even if it wasn’t a permanent thing and he basically said he wasn’t planning on going that direction and i shouldn’t either… guess where he lives now….. west virginia. ironic. regardless, my relationship with him taught me to never compromise your own dreams. it is possible to create new dreams with a significant other, but only if both parties consent. he also taught me to never accept less than what you deserve. i also learned to really think about what kind of commitments you’re making with someone before you actually set them in stone. (we considered living together – thank you mom and dad for putting me in my place on that one)…

all in all, relationships are sticky, they’re messy and they don’t always end nicely. sometimes your heart gets ripped out, sometimes you’re the heartbreaker. sometimes we make excuses for others; other times, we convince ourselves that our standards are too high. don’t. if i’ve learned anything, it’s to NEVER lower your standards or your expectations. there’s someone out there who wants to chase you, to keep you and to make you happy for the rest of your days. patience is a virtue.

the GREATEST irony of life.

– loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person at the right time and finding out that you love someone after that person walks out from your life and sometimes you think you’re over someone but when you see them smile at you, you’ll realize that you’re just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. for some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person. most relationships tend to fail not because of the absence of love; love is always present. it’s just the one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little. as we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. maybe that’s the reason the heart isn’t always right. most often we fall in love with the person we think we love only to discover that for them, we are just for past times, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger.

here’s a piece of advice: let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn’t enough and move on when things are not like before. there is someone out the who will love you even more, surely then, you will know true love.

catch&(don’t)release.

i want someone who will be monogamous, and nice to his mom.

i want someone who likes long movies, but knows to shut his mouth when my song comes on the radio.

i want someone who thinks being serious all the time is really lame and cheerleader beer is gross.

i want someone who isn’t afraid to work hard and get dirty.

i want someone with beefy forearms like a damn disney prince.

i want someone who is more concerned with happiness than anything else.

i want someone who tells his friends “there’s just something about her…”

i want someone strong enough to carry me to bed whether i’ve had one too many or just fell asleep on the couch.

i want someone who will go running with me, even if its just for a couple miles.

i want someone who looks at me that way, and grabs my face when he kisses me.

i want someone who won’t let me be mad at him, but knows that sometimes i just need to be mad for a little while.

i want someone who knows what romance is  and how to use it.

i want someone who will pick me up and spin me around in the middle of the sidewalk.

i want someone who will answer all the questions i ask, no matter how silly they might seem.

i want someone who will always listen to what i have to say, but will also have his own opinion.

i want someone who knows that, sometimes, just being in the same room is enough for me.

i want someone who will lift my face out of my book, to kiss me just because he “felt like it.”

i want someone who appreciates every(little)thing about me, regardless of how weird some of them might be.

i want someone who will chase me when i’m walking away, and keep me close when i feel distant.

i want someone who is in it for the long haul

because he knows he’s got my heart –

hook. line. sinker.

something i wrote:

if anything comes from this,

i hope it comes over the horizon

on a black horse.

withoutprince charming.

i don’t need a fairytale.

fairytales always have happy endings.

all i want, is a happynever-ending,

a happynever after.

all i want is nothing, it seems to last forever.

so lets not make this anything.

but if anything comes from this.

if anything comes from this,

i hope its over ther horizon on heaven’s hands.

created by himself, just for me.

i hope it comes in the form of someone like you.

gentle, sweet and passionate.

cute, genuine and true.

i hope it comes over the horizon to steal my heart.

exactly when i’m not expecting it.

just when i don’t need it to.♥

(fin)ans.