i’m ready to shake the devil off my back. i’ve felt – for so long – that the past is something i can’t leave behind, that i have to apologize for it, or run from it. i carried it around with me, on oppressed shoulders, bearing a weight that wasn’t mine. it’s hard to live a life of intention, of happiness, of freedom that way. my past is mine, and i will own it – but i will not let it control me – not anymore. you can’t dance that way and i want to dance.
i am no one’s, but my own.
my worth is not contingent upon another’s opinion of me.
i am taking the end, and seeing it as a beginning.
my words, and thoughts will be positive or productive.
i am prioritizing peace, freedom and living with intention.
my body will not be found in places, spaces, relationships that i don’t belong in.
and i’m doing it all for me.
[in order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you]
[if you don’t belong, don’t be long]
[i took it off. i did not want to carry it anymore]
(photos are not mine – sources can be found on my pinterest board.)
i was attending a workshop about communicating across cultures, and we were discussing strategies on how to do so effectively.
we did an activity called D.I.E.: describe, interpret, evaluate. we looked at a picture and had to answer the question, “what do you see?”. as humans do, we described some things, but also gave answers that were clearly assumptions about the picture and its contents.
when it comes to intercultural communication, it’s important to see the problem/issue/barrier for exactly what it is, before assuming you know what’s about to transpire. it is better to wait for the problem to present itself to you, than to assume there may be problem when in reality, there’s no problem at all.
it really hit home for me today, in light of some recent events in my life. i need to focus on simply describing life. i have to stop trying to interpret and evaluate everything. if we constantly assume a person’s intentions, instead of taking it at face-value, we only put our own well-being in danger. my own mental health can no longer take on the “what-ifs,” the “whys,” the why haven’t theys.”
from now on, it just is.
the first step is awareness.
(i know i don’t have a lot of followers, but i plan to write as if at least one person is actually following along)
it’s been several years since my last post. i feel like i should update everyone on my current situation before i start diving into some other posts that i’ve got in mind…
it’s been an adventure; still is. there’s no doubt about that.
let me start from the beginning –
- MAY 2015: i graduated with my master’s degree in mid-may 2013. i had been applying for my dream job for months, all over the US. i hadn’t heard back from anyone, so i panicked and applied for a job, in springfield, that i was way overqualified for. a week or so before graduation, i was hired and about two weeks after that, i got “THE” call – an offer to do exactly what i wanted to do, only three hours away from everything i’d known for 6 years.
it didn’t take me long to say yes to that opportunity – i put in my two weeks and started planning for my new life in lawrence, kansas. [rock chalk, jayhawks, right?] they wanted me to start in JUNE. which meant i had less than two weeks to move out, move in, and start a brand new job.
- JUNE 2015: i had to move out of my apartment in springfield way before my lease was up, and start looking for a new place in a college town… in the middle of JUNE (if you weren’t looking in march, finding a place in the summer can be next to impossible). my mom was calling apartments all over lawrence while i was at work for those last two weeks.
thank the lord my apartment in springfield was willing to let me out of my lease for free – i sold anything that wasn’t going to fit in the u-haul, packed up everything else in boxes. i was ready to move – we found an apartment in lawrence, but i had to live in a hotel for a week before i could move in. that weekend, i went back to springfield, my parents came up from arkansas to help. we packed everything into the u-haul and headed northwest.
the time had come. it was happening – my dreams were coming true.
the only part that wasn’t a dream come true?
i was moving away from not just my family and friends, but my boyfriend of about 1.5 years (at the time – it’s closer to four years now). we were about to start what has been one of the most challenging, stressful, rewarding things ever: a long-distance relationship… while he was starting physical therapy school and i was starting the next phase of the adult life. we decided that it was worth it and that we could do it. there was an end in sight (which is a good thing): his PT program is three years long. at the end of it all, that was when the big decisions would need to be made – we considered all of that, and still decided that this is worth it; that we were worth it.
so here i am, two years later, sitting in my apartment, in lawrence… while he is studying in springfield. like i said, a lot of things have changed – my future posts will be much less boring, i hope – but now we’re all on the same page at least.
so i think it’s been exactly six years since i joined this website. i think it’s been at least four since i forgot about it! (whoops).
as per usual, one of my “new year, new me” resolutions this year is to start writing again – but for real this time… i mean it! i’m not even hoping for followers, comments or likes.
i just need a place to vent.
a place to “speak” freely.
a place where i can talk it out.
[a place to get it all off my chest.]
so if you’re following along, i apologize for the roller coaster we’re about to go on, but i’ll never apologize for being honest – so please keep your hands and feet inside at all times.
if anything comes from this,
i hope it comes over the horizon
on a black horse.
i don’t need a fairytale.
fairytales always have happy endings.
all i want, is a happynever-ending,
a happynever after.
all i want is nothing, it seems to last forever.
so lets not make this anything.
but if anything comes from this.
if anything comes from this,
i hope its over ther horizon on heaven’s hands.
created by himself, just for me.
i hope it comes in the form of someone like you.
gentle, sweet and passionate.
cute, genuine and true.
i hope it comes over the horizon to steal my heart.
exactly when i’m not expecting it.
just when i don’t need it to.♥