dancing with the devil on your back\\

i’m ready to shake the devil off my back. i’ve felt – for so long – that the past is something i can’t leave behind, that i have to apologize for it, or run from it. i carried it around with me, on oppressed shoulders, bearing a weight that wasn’t mine. it’s hard to live a life of intention, of happiness, of freedom that way. my past is mine, and i will own it – but i will not let it control me – not anymore. you can’t dance that way and i want to dance.

i am no one’s, but my own.

my worth is not contingent upon another’s opinion of me.

i am taking the end, and seeing it as a beginning.

my words, and thoughts will be positive or productive.

i am prioritizing peace, freedom and living with intention.

my body will not be found in places, spaces, relationships that i don’t belong in.

and i’m doing it all for me.

 

[in order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you]
[if you don’t belong, don’t be long]
[i took it off. i did not want to carry it anymore]

(photos are not mine – sources can be found on my pinterest board.)

at what point is it okay?

at what point is it okay for me to feel okay?

at what point is it okay for me to excuse your actions?

at what point is it okay for you to think you might want someone else?
-after i put my whole, entire heart into us.
-after i loved you entirely, flaws and all.

at what point is it okay for me to tell you the truth?

at what point is it okay for me to move on?
-some days i feel like i already have.
-but then i take your feelings into consideration, and i can’t.

at what point is it okay for me to stop taking you into consideration?
-i always take your feelings into consideration, especially before i feel like being brutally honest with you.
-which has been frequent lately.

at what point do my feelings get to take precedence?
-when will you worry about me?

at what point do you realize you’re leading me on?
-i’ve already realized it.
-but until you do, i can’t let it go.

at what point is it okay for me to leave you behind?
-i can’t decide if that is the right decision, and that hurts because it means that part of me already has.

 

thank you carson patrick bowie.

“she loves deep + fast
with all of herself,
or not one bit.

she’ll give people all of her light,
in turn struggle to understand
when they don’t pay that back.

she wants you to think
she can’t be hurt,
but truth is,
she gets hurt
more easily
than most.

she is fierceness + tenderness,
with in the same breath.

this is her beauty.
in her total lack of in-betweens.”

 

[follow him: @carson.patrick.bowie on instagram]

let me down gently.

 

dear love,

i don’t have much left to say tonight.

it’s strange to feel so sad one minute and so numb the next. it’s the revolving door of unwanted feelings. i hate this. i know it’s for the best, but it doesn’t hurt any less.

last night you asked me, “what picture was it? let me see.” you wanted to know which picture it was that did me in; the one that made it impossible to hold the tears in.

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it was this one. i captioned it something about how when you’re around, my fridge is emptier, my laugh is louder and my heart is fuller. it’s not even a good picture. it’s kind of silly, looking at it now… but it means so much to me.

it’s my favorite place to see your shoes, and your socks – next to mine.  it meant that we were in the same place. which is funny now, because i can feel you here now. i can’t close my eyes without seeing your face. i can’t listen to my heartbeat without hearing yours. it’s all on a loop in my brain. i wish it would go away, but dread the day when it fades away.

i am p r a y i n g for your clarity, your well-being, your heart. i am praying that god will lead you back to me, but i’m not naive enough to think that i’m the only option. i’m praying for every part of you.

i am p r a y i n g for my perseverance,  my will-power, my heart.  i am praying that the first two come swiftly, with the morning light; and that my heart will survive this.  i truly hope this is for the best.

i wish you the best and sincerely want to thank you for the love + the memories. my life would be forever changed if i had never met you. i hope our hearts meet again soon.

until then, i will carry your heart with me. i love you, forever.

a♥

 

i learned something today –

i was attending a workshop about communicating across cultures, and we were discussing strategies on how to do so effectively.

we did an activity called D.I.E.: describe, interpret, evaluate. we looked at a picture and had to answer the question, “what do you see?”.  as humans do, we described some things, but also gave answers that were clearly assumptions about the picture and its contents.

when it comes to intercultural communication, it’s important to see the problem/issue/barrier for exactly what it is, before assuming you know what’s about to transpire. it is better to wait for the problem to present itself to you, than to assume there may be problem when in reality, there’s no problem at all.

it really hit home for me today, in light of some recent events in my life. i need to focus on simply describing life. i have to stop trying to interpret and evaluate everything. if we constantly assume a person’s intentions, instead of taking it at face-value, we only put our own well-being in danger. my own mental health can no longer take on the “what-ifs,” the “whys,” the why haven’t theys.”

from now on, it just is.

the first step is awareness.